(no subject)
crotches
syntaxxlies
you're not alone in anything
you're not unique in dying

I feel lost.

ehhhhh
crotches
syntaxxlies
So I basically have awful luck.

ain't nothin'
crotches
syntaxxlies
hi livejournal. I've confided in you for so many year by now.

It's been five years since I went to coachella. five. and four since bonnaroo. and four since I started college. and four since I was a "kid". I'm having nightmares everynight about getting old. I just can't seem to grow up. I don't want to. and honestly, I want to hold a sign up in protest to father times that just says "i wont". Is it the economy? or that I just can't/don't/won't grow up? I feel so stuck.terrified. wasteful. Like I'm wasting so much time in colorado when I should be out exploring. Johnny and I have made the plans, now it's just on us to follow through. which is where I basically always fail. I feel so much pressure to make my life fucking awesome. who feels that way? god I'm crazy. but I feel like there is so much riding on me to make the right decisions. anymore, there aren't even decisions for me to make. I can a) get a shitty job I hate until I move back to Pueblo in July or b)....oh yeah, no b. My ideal plan b is the one we go by so let's say that b) get a semi-decent job somewhere else in the world where I/johnny want to live and go. so far...no such luck. I feel like such a failure. I feel like everything that was promised to me as a child was a fucking lie. I feel like there is no way for me to succeed at this point. I feel forced to go back to school- which is fine, just in the mean time I want to enjoy my life. I wouldn't even hate going to back to school- I would hate going back to pueblo for my year off though. I feel like all of my plans just fell apart and there is no way to salvage them. Like, once and for all, my dreams as a child of what my adult life would be are ripped away. You can't be what you want to be. or who you want to be. or where you want to be. It's not free-will- it's the economy, stupid. It's your loans. and debt at 22. it's your lsat and gre. it's your ability to be an adult- as in, paying your bills. waking up early. barf. I feel like I hate everything, even if I got my dream job, that being an adult entails- responsibility, going to bed and waking up early, morning commutes, dress codes, taking orders. I sound like 15 year old punk marissa. and that really is who I am- a fucking immature child. taking her daddy's money while bitching about doing anything to deserve the nice things she has in her life. I just feel like I'm still a kid, like I'm incapable of being my own person. Like I can't sustain any real life. like I just fall apart everytime anything goes wrong. Why can't I love the things I should love? Like work, or showers, or getting hair cuts or feeling productive? Instead I STILL love the things I loved as a kid, sleeping in, drinking all night, not eating, sitting on my ass, smoking pot, going to concerts, buying clothes. I struggle so much to progress- but in reality, I haven't even progressed a little bit, not even at all. I feel so lost. Like I'm just drowning in this sea of oppurtunities I'm fucking up, jobs I'm not getting and time I'm wasting. I feel like everything I've done up to this point has been a meaningless waste of time. I feel like I just can't make it in this world yet, and apparently, employers see that too- I mean, I'm unemployed nearly six months after graduating.

so here is where I do it. like she says in "eat.pray.love". whatever force in the universe that there may be- please help me find my path. please. I really don't want to move home, so please help me get on the right course.

wow. that was quite the rant. thanks for listening. ily.

in california
crotches
syntaxxlies
dear marissa,
get your shit together. figure out your life. this isn't a romanticized view on 22 anymore.

lots of love,
suzanne

the taste of failure
crotches
syntaxxlies
society shits on us. that's fine.

the world is open, too many options, option overload. where to go? what to do? los angeles, new york, paris, vancouver, london. reception. journalism. unemployed.

(no subject)
crotches
syntaxxlies
all my friends were vampires. such a them thing to even post.

(no subject)
crotches
syntaxxlies
just found out that the love of my life thinks I'm nothing but mean spirited. maybe he's right. my heart is officially broken.

home is whenever i'm with you.
crotches
syntaxxlies
i love johnny, but that's obvious.

(no subject)
crotches
syntaxxlies
you dreamt of mountains but sometimes a hole is more comfortable.

the great unconformity
crotches
syntaxxlies
I don't feel well. but not in the physical sense. I feel sick. sick about everything. As usual, I'm fucked in school. I'm tired of things not working out. I'm tired of science. I'm tired of being stressed out, I can't wait to graduate.

I can't wait until I can be separated from the past in certain ways. I see old friends, all it is is awkward. I see new friends- all it is is awkward. I guess that's just me- awkward. I need to go shopping, take a nap, drink a shit load. I won't and I can't. I am completely depressed today. I feel like there's no point in my doing anything because nothing every works out anyway. oh well.

?

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